Jamie Ward

About me:

For almost everything about me I make public:




The shell: A Marxist Bohemian Cynic with Existential Nihilist leanings in Romantic Humanist Realism off put with deep-rooted misanthropy. A Withdrawn individual constantly struggling between head and heart, intelligence and passion, science and art, idiot and intelligible idiot. Not to be taken seriously at all.

I’m not down-to-earth; I’m not just a regular guy; I abhor commercialism, economics, fashion and self-deluding concepts of self-worth perpetuated by an increasingly megalomaniacal society; I’m definitely not cool and I find anything and everything to do with cars, extremely dull.

Now that I’ve asserted that I’m not another MySpace clone-bot, and actually do have a personality, here’s what I do enjoy:

Perhaps my biggest love and deepest interest revolves around Cosmology. Since a child I have always been fascinated by the stars and space; it also goes on to explain many of my other interests, but unfortunately doesn’t really have much to do with my skills. Nevertheless, regardless of my inept qualifications in science, I continue to indulge in finding out about our universe, not only to feed my obsession, but to escape from the miniscule and petty issues of everyday life.

This brings me on to Life. What are my feelings on Life? Well, to be honest- I don’t bloody know. As for life in general however, I –of course- think it’s a wonderful thing. Intelligent life though, is something I struggle with everyday. First of all, I don’t even consider humans as intelligent; we’re not. Sure, we’re conscious beings, able to question our existence and know our place inside the universe, but all things considered, we’re still incredibly simple-minded and primal. Now, anyone who truly knows me will of course know that I’m a bit of a misanthrope. This is not to say that I hate humanity as a whole- because I don’t; I just hate the majority of humanity and all it stands for. Yet, as I type this, even the word ‘hate’ sounds a bit harsh. Perhaps there’s certain contempt or frustration, but probably not hatred. I’m not going to go into this however, as it will take up more time and space than I desire.

So let’s move on to something a little more positive about me; Buddhism. Although not a devout Buddhist, abiding strictly to the guidelines set out by Buddha all those thousands of years ago, I nevertheless keep the philosophy in my mind at all times, trying always to be fully aware of what is really going on. Now for someone who doesn’t know a thing about Buddhism and would like to know just what the hell I mean, I’ll put down simply what I believe it to be about. Buddhism to me (and this is important in itself, because this a ‘religion’ that actually encourages self-seeking) is about being awake, being open to this very moment, always questioning reality yet at the same time, being at peace with it. That’s about it. Of course, there’s a whole lot more to it and I could go on for pages explaining in-depth those few points, but that’s just about the main ideas of Buddhism to me.

This brings me on to philosophy because many people including myself see the teachings of the Buddha (in its most free form), more of a philosophy than a religion. Now I mentioned above that Cosmology has had a major impact on many of my interests, well this is certainly the case with Buddhism and philosophy in general. In fact, I think I could as far as to say that it has influenced my interests completely, with each in someway relating back to my interest in the universe. Anyway, I digress, philosophy –like Cosmology- has been a part of my life from very early on. As a child (and I certainly believe almost very child) I had a inquisitive nature, not just about the buses or the airplanes or the meat on my plate, but about what I was, what the hell I was doing and where I was going. Now don’t get me wrong, I didn’t stay up all night reading Plato or anything, but nevertheless I remember having these fleeting thoughts, usually when thinking on grander topics, ala the universe. To this day I have never really done any real serious research into philosophy, instead relying on my own questions and philosophies to keep me occupied. Recently however I have been reading a lot more into other ideas and explanations on the nature of reality and our place within it, thanks to the spark that Buddhism encouraged. Indeed, if there is anything I enjoy talking about most, it is probably of a philosophical nature… no, not women or football- sorry guys.

Get me talking though and you’ll probably hear me babbling about movies. I love them and always have. Well, maybe not as much as I do these days, but they have always been a major part of my life. If you know me, you’ll already know that I watch them obsessively and love to rate them and review them afterwards. I tend to watch all the special features if there are any on a DVD, because I not only love the finished product but I am insanely interested in the process that is involved in making them. Indeed if I was given a choice out of being a Astronaut, Philosopher, Cosmologist or Film Director/Writer, I would be stuck for days trying to decide.

Perhaps my only other interest that has grown out of my childhood is video games. I’ve always been fascinated by them, loving to manipulate the strict boundaries and rules of the game whilst abiding by them. I am attracted to the simplicity of the tasks (usually restricted to simple movement of the fingers) and am strangely fond of the competition associated with the game, even though I avoid all forms of competition in other areas of life. I also view the activity as a form of meditation, focusing all my energy, thought and consciousness into another world in which you perform tasks to better yourself. Strangely enough, although not among the major elements of my life, gaming has more or less dominated my career prospects, and is perhaps the most likely industry of my future professions.

I love all other forms of art from photography; novels; comics; TV; and music. Most of these interests however go further than to simply be a speculative enjoyment. As is the case with video games, I have –over the years- indulged in many of them as a hobby and even part-time professions. I actively photograph as an expressive art (not just people and holiday snaps) and write all the time, usually on a critical level, reviewing things such as movies, games and music. I do however plan to further my writing skills on both a creative and journalist level, and would love to seek a profession involving either. As for music, I am a bit of a music snob undoubtedly, but only in eyes of those content to listen to rehash after rehash. I enjoy mostly all genres of music but tend to gravitate towards rock, blues, metal, jazz and classical. I am a musician myself and have been playing guitar for around 4-5 years now- I’d also like to consider myself a composer, but a lack of equipment and tools keeps me from taking it further than a very basic level of production.

I am more or less certified Nerd. I may not be as enthusiastic as other more striking characters, but nevertheless I think you may agree that I share the characteristics of your typical obsessive-compulsive-enthusiast of all things Nerdy. Throw in the fact that I’m a huge science fiction fan, particularly dealing with Star Trek and Battlestar Galactica and you have yourself a pretty explosive mix that some seem to enjoy (because they can make fun) or avoid at all costs. I enjoy math, when I know what I’m doing and I love learning, when I’m interested in what I’m being taught. Without the internet I admittedly don’t know what I’d do; I probably use Wikipedia more than any other site on the web, usually just for random trivia that bugs me or comes up in conversation. I also make lists about things- lots of lists. I like organising data and making sense of it- My room is a complete mess 90% of the time, but I can’t stand have unorganised files or data or other facts or whatever.

If you ever have the wonderful chance of lifetime of talking to me you’ll probably find that I open up more as the days goes on. So try to talk to me in the morning and you’ll get next to nothing; do the same late at night and I more than likely won’t shut up. I won’t however, be gossiping; I hate small-talk and I detest gossip even more. I’ll probably be talking absolute rubbish and if you’re lucky and you haven’t outright stated that it’s out-of-bounds, you just get some philosophical discussion. I have dreams of dinosaurs, tornadoes, nuclear wars and zombies amongst other less interesting things. These come in colour, tones, blur and clarity, vivid and sometimes lucid. My favourite colour is that of autumn leaves, my favourite season being winter and my favourite sound being the ocean or rainfall on a summers day. I am a night person, usually staying up till the small hours in the morning, doing nothing of great importance. To me, being awake when everyone around you is sleeping is a great feeling that creates its own importance.

I am rather reclusive, preferring to be alone most times than with other people. When I do bring people in my life however, I tend to obsess while repelling at the same time. I guess I’m afraid of rejection from people I openly accept, but this is an issue I’m still at odds with. I like to eat junk food and do enjoy a nice meal out if I am familiar with the setting. I am an ashamed meat-eater also, aspiring one day to chuck the meat completely, but up until now have been too weak to reach such a goal. I see myself in many characters that I see on TV and movies, perhaps the five major ones being Bernard Black (Black Books), Frasier Crane (Frasier), Larry David (Curb Your Enthusiasm), Howard Moon (Mighty Boosh) and Joel Barish (Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind) although this is probably just a fabrication brought on from my love of them. If I could pick one album to summarise me, it would be Pink Floyd’s ‘The Wall’- not necessarily their best album, but nevertheless one that truly connects with me as a person. If I could chose one film to summarise my philosophy on life it would probably be Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, but the Matrix or Fight Club would be a close second. I love theme parks and rollercoasters, especially at night... but I like everything better at night. Thunderstorms make me warm, sunny days make me cold... I'm lazy and prolific, a combination that still confuses me but nevertheless keeps me happy. Sometimes there's just no better feeling than falling asleep in your clothes to some tranquil music of the past. If I could choose to live forever, I would, as much as it goes against my spiritual convictions... my need for exploration, knowledge and a general thirst for experience, tend take dominance more often than not however. Neurotic, obsessive, compulsive, cynical and opinionated; I have my fair share of negative sides, but that's all part of the pie.

I believe all these things that I have written about don’t necessarily describe me, but my favourite things about my life. If you want to find out about me as a person, the way to do that is to be with me- something that might be a bit hard to do admittedly, but if you really want to know, I suggest you refer to my previous answer before I wrote this out;

I don’t know who you’re talking about.

-Written January 2008