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About me huh? Take the stunning good looks of Einstein, the massive intellect of Fabio. Add the sex appeal of Wilford Brimley, and the comedic talent of Arnold Schwarzenegger. Top it off with the athletic ability of Frasier Crane and the social skills of Jean-Claude Van Damme. Put all that in a blender and you go, one messed up human being. I'm nothing like that. If you want to know about me, either ask, or fill in the blanks for yourself.

• I'd love to meet Jesus, I figure he could teach me some neat magic tricks. Plus, if I could get his autograph, I figure I could clean up on Ebay.
• Steven Colbert, less of a patriot and more of an american god!
• I'd like to meet Wowbagger, just to give him a piece of his own medicine.
• Bill Gates, to give him 10 bucks for a decent hair cut.
• Marvin the Paranoid Android, he needs some cheering up.
• The inventor of Buffalo Wings. I figure since I made him a millionaire, I at least deserve a thank you.
• The girl that can balance tic-tac's on her tongue in the commercials. Fill in your own punchline, my mind is overloading with them. Just....Can't....Choose....
• The Tick. If you've ever seen his show, then 'nough said. Spoon!
• The following authors: J.R.R. Tolkien, L. Frank Baum, J.K. Rowling, H.G. Wells. I like meeting brilliant minds, and to ask why their parents gave them a letter, rather then a name.
• Batman, A man who stalks in the night, always seen with a little boy named Dick? There has to be a story there. What are those two hiding? What do they really do at night on those rooftops?
• Myself, I want to see if these jeans make my butt look big. That and it'd be on hell of a story.
• The Old Navy Advertising Department, to kick them square in the nuts.
• The Hypno-Toad: If only I could bend him to my will, I'd be unstoppable!
• Lance Bass, for giving us an unprecedented event in human history. He came out as gay, and 6 billion people all thought up the same joke at the same time.
• Leonardo Di Vinci: That dude was just a balls out genius. He created art that people marvel at to this day, invented helicopters, odometers, planes, and other devices that wouldn't be thought up for centuries. And studied nature to a degree that wouldn't be matched until high speed photography. The mind wonders what he could have accomplished had he devoted himself to one area, or if he had lived later in history.
• My future ex-wife, and the mistress I'll meet at the seedy dirty motel every tuesday.
• David Hasselhoff : Come on, 82 million germans can't be wrong!
• He-Man : Dude, it's He-Man. Who wouldn't want to meet He-Man??
• Solomon : I don't know whether to envy or pity a man that had 700 wives and 300 concubines. Imagine the protein deficiency that he must have had! He gave me an idea though. If I had that many women, and each woman makes 30k a year, I'd be rich!

1. John Travotla: For being a plague on the movie industry.
2. Bears : Because Stephen Colbert tells me I should fear them!
3. Metrosexuals : Metrosexuals are to genders what spam is to meat. We just aren't sure.
4. Divas : Specifically Diva's who sing that they are the same girl that roamed the streets of their home town. You spend more on jewelry in a day then I make in a lifetime. your bedroom is bigger then the house I will one day own. You wipe with $100 bills. No, you aren't the same you idiots.
5. Bug Guts : GET OFF MY WINDSHIELD!
6. Bill Gates: For making Windows, the most prevalent virus in the world.
7. Chris Rock: He's just not funny.
8. Chris Tucker: For making all the dogs in the neighborhood bark and go mad everytime he opens his big mouth!
9. Hillary Clinton : The only politician that can get me out to vote...for the other guy.
10. Weird Al: For writing a song clearly about me "White and Nerdy" but never giving me credit or a kickback.
11. Clay Aiken: Anyone writing a song that says, "If I was invisible. Then I could just watch you in your room" should be a registered sex offender in all 49 states.
12. New York: Come on, they elected Hillary Clinton. The bastards!
13. Brooke Hogan, Beyonce and Jessica Simpson: They are everything that is wrong with the music industry and the world. Apparently brains or talent are unneeded if you have big tits and a shapely body. Please, everyone, stop buying their garbage so they will just go away!
14. Micheal Jackson: Do I really need to explain?
15. Political Correctness: I'm all for not pissing people off, but when the people you are "defending" think you're stupid, it's time to shut up and go home.Linky Link
16. Anyone who says, or actually does "holla" especial if it's "atcha gurl"
17. The casting director, as well as the entire cast of "Little Man": I don't know how they did it, but they manage to make a movie with EVERY SINGLE actor I hate. They didn't forget a single one. Good job!
18. Pace Salsa's Marketing Department: For making the most annoying commercials, ever. And making the food service industry look like inbreed morons, those people are heroes, they bring me my food!! I don't care if my salsa is from "New York City", at least it's not 99% colored water!
19. James Blunt: Every song his voice gets higher and more annoying. By my calculations, we have 5 or 6 songs before it's so high only dogs can hear it. The good news, he will no long harm humanity. The bad news, we have to suffer through at least 5 songs...
20. Bag Pipes: Really, who would call that "music"!?
21. Santa: He knows when I'm sleeping, he knows when I'm awake, he knows when i've been bad. Mofo knows things. Things I don't want him to know. Dangerous things. Santa's gotta go down.
22. Full House : No other TV show inspires me to violence as Full House can. Really, there should be a law, punishable by death for making this kind of show. And it should be retroactive! I swear, the parents of everyone who made that show should be put in jail!
23. Sloths : I think they are only acting slow and lazy. They are up to something, something big.
24. David Spade : You are not funny! You are a dumbass!
25. Celine Dion : The fact that she is canadian was enough to get her on the list, but then she had to go on make that damn Titanic song.
26. The inventor of the Vibrator : Making men obsolete since 1880.
27. Packing Tape : Stop sticking to me!!

The Complete Enemy List

I like to save expired milk, in case someone I don't like comes over.

If I ruled the world, every friday would be lingerie friday. It would be illegal for the obese, and males to participate.

More Facts About Me

• When dogs bark at someone walking by their yard, after the guy walks away, do the dogs think to themselves: "Whew, that was close!"
• How many roads must a man walk down before you can call him a man? I'm thinking it's 2, maybe 3.
• Why do only the expensive, plush Toilet Papers advertise? I wanna see the cheap ones advertise. "Sure our toilet paper is made of glued together wood shavings, but damn it, it's cheap!"
• How can you "Chicken fry" a chicken?

More of my Wonderings

• "The older I get, the more optional showering becomes."
• "I have no good days, only bad days. It's just that some are more suicidal. Others more homicidal, I call those work days."
• "Do you want an Oyster Crackers?" "No thanks, I don't like Sea Food."

(While leaving the Bathroom)"Thanks for the musical accompaniment."

More Things Overheard

• ...Plumbers Crack became the next fashion trend.
• ...Cooties was a legit disease.
• ...Of all the religions, Scientology got it right and The Story of Xenu is true?
• ...Elton John isn't really gay, but just pretending to get the extra publicity?
• ...O.J. and Micheal Jackson were actually innocent?
• ...There was a Planet inhabited by Wierd Al's?
• ...Weird Al's style of hair was the next rage?
• ...Bush is the most intelligent President we have for the next 50 years?
• ...Clarinet solos become the next big thing in Metal?
• ...all the curses in myspace bulletins came true. That people died all the time, had bad sex or none at all and just all sorts of nastiness happened to them. Wait a minute...

• Go Car shopping and tell the sales person you don't care about any features, except for how many dead midgets you can fit in the trunk.
• Whenever something happens, say someone dropping their pen, yell out "We are all going to die!" Act accordingly.
• When at the Mall, buy your merchandise, and if they offer free gift wrapping take it. Tell the wrapper that you are going to be SO surprised when you open it.
• Write all your numbers in Roman Numerals. Bonus points if you are a accountant or Math Teacher.
• Take a car from a dealership for a test drive, and try and use it as a trade-in at another.
• • At the slightest difficulty or frustration, throw your arms up in the air and yell so that no less then 5 people hear you, “That’s it, I can’t work like this!” and storm away. Coming back is optional.
• Pick a word, any word, and everytime someone says it, bark quietly like a dog. Deny every making any noise.
• Go to a Middle School, stand at the bike rack with a sign that says "Used Bike Sale"

The Retirement Home for Stuff I No Longer Find Funny

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